My heroes this week: Martha Stewart and my dad
After reading this post, I think you will all agree that my dad beats out Martha, hands down...
Anyone that has ever washed their sheets (and I assume that all of you have washed your sheets at least once in your life. If you have not, you are a filthy, disgusting human being!) knows that one of the most frustrating things in life is folding a fitted sheet. Over the years I have tried several techniques, most of which end up with me yelling, cursing, and beating my fitted sheet into submission. And by submission, I mean crumpling the sheet up into a little ball and cramming into my linen closet, and just for good measure slamming said linen closet door. However, while watching Oprah this week- remember I am unemployed- the "Domestic Goddess" Martha Stewart peddled everything from her show (now on the Hallmark Channel), to her cookbooks, to her line of crafting tools, some of which were actually pretty cool and made me wish that I was a crafty little diva. But, I digress. She also showed viewers how to fold a fitted sheet. I thought to myself "Martha, you are a bitch. You make it look soooo easy, and make it seem as if anyone could do this at home". So, I decided to pause Oprah, get off my lazy ass, and get out my fitted sheet to try this technique out.
I am not going to lie and say that I got it on the first try, or the second, or the third. I am also not going to lie and say that this did not involve some yelling and cursing (but this time at Martha Stewart, not my fitted sheet). However, eventually I got it! I GOT IT! I almost felt like crying I was so proud of myself. Instead, I poured myself a glass of wine, or two, but who's counting. Bottom line, I now know how to fold a fitted sheet, and you can too. Just follow the simple steps provided by Martha. But don't be fooled. It's not easy, and it will take you a few tries. But I promise you, eventually you will have a perfectly folded fitted sheet. If you are like me, you may also be a little tipsy by the time all is said and done, but I can't help it, it runs in the family.
Which brings me to hero #2 of the week (well, really my #1, just story #2): my dad. Gordon Ferguson had hernia surgery earlier this week. As part of what he calls the "Florida Treadmill" of going from one doctor to another in an effort to get a clean bill of health, he has been seeing a dermatologist, a general physician, and a surgeon. No, psychologist is not on this list...yet! My dad has had a hernia for a few years now, and it was time to get it fixed!
I spoke with my dad the day of his surgery, once he was home and drugged. My dad does not really like to take any drug stronger than Alka Seltzer, but the doctor prescribed him "narcotics" for his post surgery discomfort (I am sort of hoping some of these "narcotics" are still lying around when I visit them next month-hear that dad?!). Anyway, I sort of expected my dad to be a little loopy, but he was obviously in his right mind, and probably thinking clearer than he has for years. Here is why: apparently, with hernia surgery, you are not to lift anything more than 5 lbs for at least 4 weeks. My dad got home from the surgery tried to relax with his "narcotics" but had trouble falling asleep. Then he had an epiphany...5 lbs? 4 weeks? O.M.G. He got the scale out and weighed his Costco bottle of Bacardi. OH THANK GOD. It weighs 4.9 lbs. He is home free for the next 4 weeks. Well, as long as he doesn't mix those "narcotics" with that Bacardi...at least until I get there.
I am pretty sure that this whole story is a Gordon Ferguson joke, but for those of you that know me, and my family, it's just possible this actually happened...
Love you dad!
Anyone that has ever washed their sheets (and I assume that all of you have washed your sheets at least once in your life. If you have not, you are a filthy, disgusting human being!) knows that one of the most frustrating things in life is folding a fitted sheet. Over the years I have tried several techniques, most of which end up with me yelling, cursing, and beating my fitted sheet into submission. And by submission, I mean crumpling the sheet up into a little ball and cramming into my linen closet, and just for good measure slamming said linen closet door. However, while watching Oprah this week- remember I am unemployed- the "Domestic Goddess" Martha Stewart peddled everything from her show (now on the Hallmark Channel), to her cookbooks, to her line of crafting tools, some of which were actually pretty cool and made me wish that I was a crafty little diva. But, I digress. She also showed viewers how to fold a fitted sheet. I thought to myself "Martha, you are a bitch. You make it look soooo easy, and make it seem as if anyone could do this at home". So, I decided to pause Oprah, get off my lazy ass, and get out my fitted sheet to try this technique out.
I am not going to lie and say that I got it on the first try, or the second, or the third. I am also not going to lie and say that this did not involve some yelling and cursing (but this time at Martha Stewart, not my fitted sheet). However, eventually I got it! I GOT IT! I almost felt like crying I was so proud of myself. Instead, I poured myself a glass of wine, or two, but who's counting. Bottom line, I now know how to fold a fitted sheet, and you can too. Just follow the simple steps provided by Martha. But don't be fooled. It's not easy, and it will take you a few tries. But I promise you, eventually you will have a perfectly folded fitted sheet. If you are like me, you may also be a little tipsy by the time all is said and done, but I can't help it, it runs in the family.
Which brings me to hero #2 of the week (well, really my #1, just story #2): my dad. Gordon Ferguson had hernia surgery earlier this week. As part of what he calls the "Florida Treadmill" of going from one doctor to another in an effort to get a clean bill of health, he has been seeing a dermatologist, a general physician, and a surgeon. No, psychologist is not on this list...yet! My dad has had a hernia for a few years now, and it was time to get it fixed!
I spoke with my dad the day of his surgery, once he was home and drugged. My dad does not really like to take any drug stronger than Alka Seltzer, but the doctor prescribed him "narcotics" for his post surgery discomfort (I am sort of hoping some of these "narcotics" are still lying around when I visit them next month-hear that dad?!). Anyway, I sort of expected my dad to be a little loopy, but he was obviously in his right mind, and probably thinking clearer than he has for years. Here is why: apparently, with hernia surgery, you are not to lift anything more than 5 lbs for at least 4 weeks. My dad got home from the surgery tried to relax with his "narcotics" but had trouble falling asleep. Then he had an epiphany...5 lbs? 4 weeks? O.M.G. He got the scale out and weighed his Costco bottle of Bacardi. OH THANK GOD. It weighs 4.9 lbs. He is home free for the next 4 weeks. Well, as long as he doesn't mix those "narcotics" with that Bacardi...at least until I get there.
Love you dad!
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